#is creeping back into my life again
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How is it that I’ve gotten better
But it made me worse?
Reduced anxiety
Made me unreliable
Always late and under performs
Still anxious
But not enough to try
Why is it I can’t seem to change?
Not in the ways that matter
Perpetually stuck at step one
Problem identified, now what?
Who am I to think
That I could be better?
As if waiting around
Would change me as a person
What am I supposed to be doing?
Where do I begin?
#I’ve been frustrated with my self as a person lately#recognizing all these problems but also not putting in the effort to change#i’ve been struggling at work to perform simple tasks#and it’s honestly partly related to the fact that I am just not trying#I have enough self-awareness to recognize it and all it really does. It’s just make me hate myself.#I keep thinking that if I wait around long enough I’ll snap out of it and start putting an effort to change#i’m also falling back into old habits#self h@rm#is creeping back into my life again#and it feel both unwelcome but also so missed#I want to change but idk how#original poetry#poets of tumblr#poem#spilled ink
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examining your relationship with your art can be fun
but watch out
#examine too hard and you'll have a crisis#or *another crisis if you're like me#sometimes yeah i think about it too hard and then i get the intense prey instinct#to chuck my tablet into a field and then take off sprinting in the other direction#though i know id just come creeping back like a cautious but curious deer. get a little closer. run away#closer. jump back. poke the tablet and run away. come back and poke it again.#its the 'what am i doing? am i doing what i want to do? am i enjoying this? is it hurting me?'#will admit i have these thoughts every other day#ill have like a good bit of fully enjoying art & what im scribbling#and then suddenly ill wake up the next day and its terrifying and Too Much and huh??? HUH???#i want to draw but im so so scared <3 but im being sooooo brave about it <3#anyway i think we should all destroy our electronics and run screaming into the woods#OH MY GOD SOON I CAN DO THAT.#not the electronics - i mean the running into the woods part#oh im so excited. when its all too much i can just walk in nature with no one around#that Will fix me! for sure!#when the Art Fear™️ comes back i can just... go away for a few hours and touch some motherfucking grass#AND MAYBE FORAGE SOME CHICKEN OF THE WOODS. I AM DYING TO HARVEST WILD CHICKEN OF THE WOODS.#LITERALLY HAS BEEN A LIFE GOAL FOR YEARS NOW#when the Art Fear™️ creeps in i can get some big chickeney mushrooms and cook em up. refresh my soul....#absolutely unprompted#but yeah sometimes i wonder if im drawing for myself or others. like drawing for others is fine but... i think there's a fine line#am i balancing it? am i Indulging enough? am i doing what i want to do enough???#are my people-pleaser tendencies consuming me again? am i feeling Pressure? hm. yeah its crisis time#am i living how i want. am i enjoying how i want. am i interacting with welcome home the way i want to.#i think im going to go do the dishes....
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#it's been literally 7 years since my last post#so an old meme is only fitting#my life has again spiraled to the point of me rediscovering this torturous game#i'm sure there will only be like 2 people who will ever see this#1 of them being me#not only do few people still use tumblr#but even fewer are still active fans of mm#i can't imagine i have any active followers...#but i figured i should say something before i start up again#to commemorate my fall from grace back into the rabbithole#it's also seemingly impossible to find the content i want with tumblr's new search system#maybe it's old by now but it's new to me#looks like i have tons of old posts in my drafts tho so maybe i'll post some of those later#i should probably change my theme and icon but i'm too lazy for that rn#if this post does happen to grace another's eyes#feel free to unfollow#i understand not wanting unhinged nostalgia cluttering your dashboard#personal#ALSO#i was absolutely delighted to find out they not only created a v route#but one for saeran too#i am now too old for the latter#but i'm pretending he's at least 25 so i can play his route and not feel like the biggest creep on the planet#wild to think the eldest characters would now be 35...
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is there a single character that Charlie slimesicle has created that doesn't have some sort of chronic pain? and/or body horror? mostly both.
#like mixed with the h#body horror#its just like there#whether its throught extensive scars#an angle constantly riping through you#having to walk around in ur decayig corpse#(or my hc tht post coming back to life again tht joint pain from rigamortis)#even little chase creep being a little bone monster#and i could go on about his minecraft#characters#and their involved of body horror and pain#charlie slimecicle#jrwi#scu#dsmp#qsmp#slimecicle#jrwi riptide#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi apotheosis
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okay what i have to say is lowkey embarrassing but i wanna bitch and it’s probably only embarrassing to me bc im shy about this stuff anyways the moral of the story is i wanna bitch and u should probably just ignore me. god bless
#honestly halfway through the wedding i did see this guy i thought was rlly cute#like. REALLY cute (so fucking embarrassing)#but i’m too shy to talk to hot people and i’ve never approached anyone before and no one’s ever approached me so i don’t know what to do#idk how to talk to people to begin with let alone like. try to flirt or something#but as the night went on (this is so embarrassing) for some reason i literally couldn’t stop looking at him (kill me)#and he probably definitely noticed me looking at him so he probably thinks im some like. crazy creep or something#but like usually when i see someone attractive im just like oh wow and admire them from afar#but i COULDNT STOP LOOKING AT HIM! WHY! and for some reason i felt like i just really wanted to talk to him#but i didn’t know what to do! i just felt this urge to go try and start a conversation but i just. i couldn’t#and every time i thought i would work up the courage either my sister or my grandmother would come back and hover over me#and i didn’t wanna be like ‘sorry gotta go i need to go embarrass myself in front of this cute guy’#OR he would get up and start taking pictures again. it’s like he knew#he wasn’t even the official photographer he was just one of the guests who clearly wanted to take photos of his friends wedding. which like#is so endearing to me. he has HOBBIES. WOW. (kill me)#idk j can’t even put everything into words i just feel like screaming into a pillow AAAAAAUGHHH#i felt like i was in hs again there was a point i even excused myself to step outside just because he was out there#but he was talking to some old lady. so i was just sitting outside in the grass moping#i feel so stupid i dunno. why am i so worked up about this. i had a few opportunities to approach him and i didnt. because im an idiot#i feel like i’m down so bad which is so STUPID because i don’t even know his name and ill never see him again in my life#so it doesn’t even matter! and every time im like oh oh well it was just random infatuation clearly it wasn’t meant to be#but then i just get upset and all blushy cause he was SO CUTE! and i wanna know more about him! why!#i haven’t felt like this in FOREVER i just feel so stupid for even feeling this way#i know ill be fine in a few days or something but im just like. i wish i could have at least spoken to him once#sigh. idk what’s wrong with me#maybe he’s already dating someone anyways all the cute people seem to already be in relationships#except ME im the only one left. who am I supposed to date!!#i want to jump out the window#snow.txt
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favorite tidbit in haikyuu is that kuroo is objectively really smart yet when he's with bokuto he loses every braincell he has and like. is probably still not too stupid but he sure acts like it
#me with my wife also#guys i'm sensing hq creeping back into my life soon so fair warning there#i don't think the universe is prepared for me having a kuroo shift again. who knows maybe it'll be good for my psyche tho
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#life has changed a lot in the last 2 years for me#pretty much all for the better#but I still worry sometimes that one of the awful things that happened to me or my partner#will come back and hurt us again somehow.#I’m past it but sometimes it creeps back into my dreams.
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what if I wss emo instead 🤔
#Egg.txt#Sorry im going to my graduation bc they actually let me defer it#But I realise again why I felt like I shouldn't go man#It's always just so depressing going to ''leavers'' celebrations and everyone's crying and reminiscing on the good times with their loved#ones and you just rotted and never managed to make friends and just wasted your life or something ehrrmmmmm#sorry LOL this happens every time I should have felt it coming 😭 but it's so weird being back inmy uni town and just feeling like God....#What did I even do for 3 years here and cryingggg bc you're just soo bad at connecting with anybody and you have always been no matter how#many chances you get and blah blah there's not even any comfort in it just#empty platitudes of ppl saying wowee you'll find the right place some day like no man I'm a fucking creep I'm a weirdo FOREVER#like God im just a fucking loser to the correeee
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#excuse the upcoming midnight ramble#but man am i awful at socializing...#i messaged an old friend the other day (a highschool friend i haven't talked to in 7 years ✌🏻)#and we had like a 5 message exchange and that's it cause i'm so bad at keeping conversations going#and like she's not dping very well mentally right now so she's not in the mood to keep the convo energy up#and i want to be nice and helpful but i have no right to ask details about her life (i haven't seen her in 7 years)#we're strangers again and i feel like such a creep trying to force myself into her life again#it's been a week since this and I really want to talk to her again but I don't know if i should?#like she was nice to me and said my message cheered her up and that it was nice that k thought of her#but idk of that was like a ''aw cute now let me go back to my life and you go back to yours''#or like a ''aw cute we should rekindle our friendship and just be like we used to''#and i don't want to assume the latter cause that's just creepy but i also don't want to never message her again?#idk if i should push her a bit or like wait until she's feeling better and try again?#i also feel like super selfish cause i'm treating the situation like ''i want a friend and i chose this one idc what she feels or thinks''#and she's not an object just there to be my friend only because i feel lonely?#like it's not her job?#i hate this idk what i can or can't do or what is creepy and what's nice#i hate socializing#angel talks#personal
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me when wanna draw, but no inspo or motivation
#I’m slowly creeping back into the cute cursed emoji phase again. Lord help me#Actually nvm he hasn’t helped me my whole life LMAO#“Wants to draw but no motivation” which is it?!#Onyx rants⭐️
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holy FUCKING shit I just watched the opening for alan wake II unparalleled genius show stopping jaw dropping visceral DELIGHT, I grimaced, I am enticed, I cannot WAIT
#life is worth living again i am having a fucking BLAST#oh my god i love video games. holy shit. the fucking 'GODDAMN' i just said aloud at that title shot#what game recently has had such vision for what it wants to be!!!!!#AND THE SLOW CREEP OF HORROR AND TRAGEDY ONCE AGAIN COMING IN!!!!! YEAH BABY WE ARE BACK
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btw ever since i watched creep and creep 2 watching movies has not been the same anymore
#i wish i could go back and watch them again for the first time#a whole life experience#it changed my brain chemistry#mark duplass#creep#creep 2#duplass#horror#journal#my journal
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can you get burnout from doing nothing
#or am i going through a mental breakdown. based on the symptoms matching whatever the past week has had going on#unless it was caused by trying to socialise online#which i am so bad at and i guess seeing other people easily be all friends with each other kind of made my brain go 😨😱😖🤯#<- along with various other surrounding emojis#i'm stuck at uni rn bc my band has 2 gigs coming up + rehearsals so i have to be here. but there is nothing to do except Think#but yeah there was the alienated fandom feeling bc idk it always feels like everyone speaks to each other in dms and has all this like#lore with each other and i have no idea what's going on#and trying to actually interact is soooooooo exhausting and i always feel like i'm too slow or behind everyone else and yeah#and then camp weehawken began and i couldn't even deal with seeing everyone doing that and all knowing each other really well and idk#so i just left tumblr briefly. bc of everything. bc i'm irrational#basically the worst feeling is when you have friends in a fandom but then your hyperfixation starts to wear off and turns out they weren't#close friends they were fandom mutuals. btw this isn't about anyone in particular this has happened for most fandoms i've been in#it was more of a sudden realisation that's been creeping up on me for years. so to deal with the fading hyperfixation i just had to Go#and now i'm obsessed with threads. which has like no fandom. so at least the hyperfixation fadeout will be easier to deal with lol#but yeah it's that sort of feeling when you finish at some place and you make some friends but once you leave you never talk to them again#and knowing you didn't really leave a strong enough impact on them that they still wanna keep in contact with you#pretty much like that#at the same time though there's nothing to do atm so maybe i am just bored and overthinking#but still it's annoying to go through especially when it's happened for almost every experience in my life#also like I'd occasionally log back into tumblr to see what's going on but i'd see people liking posts on the swag archive and it's like#cool at least people like the archives :') but anyone could've done those#idk it's like i have to do something like that for people to actually care and as soon as i'm not contributing anything then i'm just#forgettable or something#i wanna come back to tumblr but idk if my brain is ready for that dsjkljf. i told myself i'd only come back when things feel stable#but also i'm impatient lol#again this isn't about anyone specific my brain just LOVES to malfunction it's actually its favourite pasttime <3#but either way if i seem really negative lately or just. weird. it's just my brain being its classic overdramatic self#i mean the thoughts are very real and based on vaguely true evidence but also my brain loves to exaggerate things to sabotage my life#i'm hitting tag limit so anyway. at least threads isn't happening rn so that's pretty good#ramble
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I! Fucking! Hate! Uni!
#we’re a week in and I’m already done. I’m so tired#thank god I’m taking next semester off. Work sucks too but at least it doesn’t have homework#I really gotta look into getting a therapist again. maybe to work on getting whatever the fucking is going on with me diagnosed#but also just so I can at least try to work on the sort of. all consuming hopelessness that comes with being a college student#it just sucks. Like I didn’t feel great during the summer either but at least I had my best friend and the sun and some free time#now it’s. fuck all. all day every day is school#my room is a mess. I don’t have the time or energy to clean it#im lonely bc im always lonely#legit the only thing getting me through rn is my gf hyperfixation and that’s not gonna last forever#thinking about ford 24/7 can only be effective for so long before the bad thoughts start creeping back in#it just sucks. I hate being depressed. I hate that I can’t tell if it’s all school’s fault either. Am I just gonna be like this forever?#fuck this stupid baka life or whatever
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so very hungry
#when i get back to city im gonna get a job#im really gonna try working out#i was shameless for a while there. or at least i felt the most shame free of my life. i think i kinda took it for granted and slowly but#surely shame made its way back in and i let it. i don't wanna do that anymore. i don't wanna cower and creep and get comfy in my coffin.#i wanna feel that lightness again#i wanna be bold and i wanna be brave and i wanna try like i have nothing to lose. because i don't.#💫
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#not to be all suicidal ideation#but it rlly creeps back when I forget it for a bit#I don’t have sadness or tantrum like waaah I’m going to do this and then you’ll see#it’s more like. I should be allowed to just die#my life has felt like a waste and I think if I keep being alive it will continue being a waste my whole life#so many years for no reason#and I feel so calm and nice when I think of my death#it could be so good and I just picture all the benefits of me being not here anymore#I don’t think it’s a matter of me finding a point in life again#I rlly think there is no point to me at all#I have so many intentions and ideas but I literally won’t end up accomplishing them#even for basic tasks#and I feel so positively and calmly about my death#I just want it to happen and I think it will be fine and maybe feel good
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